Sibling Rivalry

Sibling Rivalry: When Your Kids Are Constantly at Each Other’s Throats

You hear screaming from the next room.

“They’re at it again! What is it this time?”

A fight over the gaming console? The favorite spot on the couch? Or did they simply look at each other the wrong way?

Before you rush in to see what’s going on, let’s talk a little bit about siblings—and why they argue so much in the first place.

Why Do Siblings Fight So Much?

Often, siblings experience jealousy toward one another. They want what the other child has, whether that’s a toy, a privilege, attention, or even time with a parent. They also have to share so much of their lives with one another—including their parents.

Sometimes it can be hard to understand, but jealousy is often present underneath sibling conflict. A child may be thinking, “Why does she get to do that and I don’t?” or “Mom likes him more than me.”

So how can we lessen jealousy, help our children feel seen and understood, and encourage them to work through their problems independently?

Here are some guidelines that can help everyone involved.

1. No Comparing!

Try not to compare your children or use one child as the “good example” when correcting another.

For example, instead of saying:

“Why can’t you be more like your brother and pick up your room when I ask?”

Try focusing on the behavior you want from that individual child:

“I would like you to clean your room when I ask. Let’s figure out what would help you remember to do that.”

Similarly, instead of:

“Your sister is so helpful in the mornings, and you can’t even get out of bed!”

Try focusing on the actual problem:

“We need to come up with a way to support you in getting up on time so we aren’t late for school anymore.”

Comparison sends an unnecessary message that one sibling is better or worse than the other. It also adds another layer to an already difficult interaction. Now, instead of simply receiving feedback about something that isn’t working, your child may feel like they have to defend themselves against their sibling as well.

And this can be difficult even when the comparison only happens in our own minds.

Your children are individuals. They each deserve the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to develop in their own way without being pitted against one another.

2. Be Careful About the Roles You Give Your Children

Another thing to avoid is inadvertently putting your children into roles based on what they are “good” or “bad” at.

For instance, you might say:

“My daughter is the genius in the family!”

Of course, it’s wonderful to recognize your child’s efforts and hard work in school. But labeling her as the genius can become a limiting role.

What happens if she starts having a hard time in math when she gets to high school? What happens when something doesn’t come easily to her? Her role as “the genius” might suddenly feel threatened.

Instead, recognize that your child is multifaceted. They are constantly developing, learning, and discovering new things about themselves.

Let your child try many different things. Celebrate their curiosity, effort, creativity, persistence, kindness, and willingness to learn. This gives them room to develop many different aspects of themselves instead of becoming attached to being the smart one.

The same is true when we say:

“My child is the amazing athlete in the family!”

Maybe they are! But they are also so much more than their athletic ability.

When we pigeonhole one child into the role of “the athlete,” “the smart one,” “the artistic one,” or “the responsible one,” we can unintentionally create comparison between siblings. Another child who is also good at sports, for example, may feel like they will never measure up to their sibling who is the amazing athlete.

Instead, try to recognize effort, hard work, dedication, and growth.

3. Let Your Children Feel Heard

When your children complain about their siblings, it is important to listen.

You don’t have to agree with them. You may even think they are completely wrong! But validating their feelings and trying to understand the situation from their perspective can go a long way.

Imagine your son comes to you complaining that his sister is always making them late in the afternoon because she is chatting with her friends, and now they are always missing the bus.

You might say:

“It’s really hard to have a sister sometimes. She’s always talking to her friends, and you feel like it’s causing you guys to get home later or miss the bus.”

You aren’t necessarily agreeing that his sister is doing something wrong. You are simply letting him know that you understand what he is experiencing.

When children feel seen and heard, they are often much more able to move forward.

4. Remember to Relate

What if you have an older child who doesn’t want to share his toys with his younger sibling?

Try putting yourself in his shoes.

Imagine that you were at work all day. You finally get home, sit down, and start listening to your favorite music. Then your partner comes in and demands that you stop what you’re doing and listen to a podcast with them.

You’ve been working all day! Of course you might want some time to relax and listen to your music.

The same can be true for our children.

Your older child may have been at school all day and finally have some time to play with their favorite toys. They may need some downtime before they are expected to share.

You can help that child feel seen by reflecting:

“It’s hard to share when you’ve just come home from a long day at school. Sometimes you need some time to yourself before you’re ready to play together.”

Maybe taking the toys into his room for a while is a reasonable middle ground.

And when the younger sibling comes to complain that they aren’t being allowed to play, we can validate them too:

“You really want to play with your big brother right now. It’s hard to give him space when you’ve been waiting to see him all day.”

Both children can have valid feelings at the same time.

So What Do We Do When They’re Actually Fighting?

Sometimes siblings can work through their disagreements on their own. Other times, they need our help.

Here are some good rules of engagement:

1. No Name-Calling or Hateful Language

Siblings can be angry with each other. They can disagree. They can be frustrated.

But disparaging language, hateful language, and name-calling are not okay.

Once things have escalated to this point, it’s time for a parent to step in. The children may need help getting back to a place where they are regulated enough to interact reasonably.

Once everyone has calmed down, you can support them in finding a solution together.

2. No Physical Fighting

Pushing, shoving, hitting, biting, pinching, or other physical aggression are off-limits.

This is another situation where you need to step in.

When you do, try to be as calm and grounded as possible. It can be tempting to get pulled into the argument, especially when both children are loudly insisting that the other one started it.

Your first job is safety.

The children may need to be separated until everyone has had a chance to cool down. It is perfectly okay to physically remove a child from the situation if they are being aggressive and need to be separated from their sibling.

Once everyone is more regulated and grounded, you can begin helping them work toward a solution.

3. Step In When They Truly Cannot Solve the Problem

Sometimes a sibling conflict is affecting the entire family, or the children have reached an impasse and simply cannot figure out what to do.

That’s when you can step in as a facilitator.

Rather than immediately deciding who is right and who is wrong, help them communicate with one another and come up with a solution that works for everyone.

Your job doesn’t always have to be to solve the problem. Sometimes your job is simply to help them learn how to solve it themselves.

Give Them the Opportunity to Figure It Out

Outside of these situations, we want to avoid automatically solving or getting involved in every sibling conflict.

Why?

Because this is where children develop problem-solving skills.

They learn that they can disagree with someone they love and still work toward a solution. They learn how to negotiate, compromise, communicate, and consider someone else’s perspective.

The solution may not be perfect. That’s okay!

If both children feel considered and they can move forward, that’s a win.

So when your kids come to you with a seemingly minor disagreement involving their brother or sister, try giving them some confidence that they can handle it.

You might say:

“I have confidence that you two can figure this out. I’ll be in the next room. Let me know what you come up with!”

Or:

“I’m excited to see how you two solve this problem together. I know you are both kind and capable of using your heads and your hearts to come up with a solution.”

We don’t have to step in and solve every problem for our children.

Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is believe that they can solve it themselves.

Sibling conflict is frustrating—sometimes very frustrating. But it can also be an incredible opportunity for our children to learn how to communicate, manage big feelings, compromise, and navigate relationships.

Many of these ideas were taken from the book: Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Malzish